The Very Secret Diary of Ozorne Muhassin Tasikhe
by Alone in the Desert
Summary: His most serene and imperial majesty spills his guts the secrets you never wanted to know. Rated R for every conceivable reason


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The Very Secret Diary of His Most Serene and Imperial Majesty, Ozorne Muhassin Tasikhe

Disclaimer: All characters and locations herein are the property of Tamora Pierce. Plot and actual written words owned by me. Written for the Very Secret Diary Challenge of the Seanfhocal Circle. 

November 15th, 439 

Was held back a year at uni due to flunking big Old Thak test. V. unfair. Am heir to the Emperor of Carthak, and do not require the aid of inane crutches like vocabulary lists and spellbooks to perform my magnificent magic! 

November 17th, 439 

Told Daddy about treacherous leper of a teacher who flunked the luminous offspring of the Empire, and he promised to "take care of him". Wonder what he meant. 

November 20th, 439 

Treacherous leper was hanged, drawn and quartered this morning, and replacement returned my test paper with a new grade. Daddy was so pleased that had paper framed in gold and displayed. White paper really quite impressive with big red "A+" at the top, and nothing else. 

December 2nd, 439 

Former-teacher's innards beginning to stink outside my window. V. unpleasant. On plus side, made Dean's List. Go, me! 

January 29th, 440 

New student arrived at uni today. Said his name was Arram Draper. What kind of a stupid name is that? Bratty baby sister bitched to Daddy that I'm teasing her. All I did was send her stupid boyfriend to the gallows. V. angry. No one understands me. 

February 3rd, 440 

V. bad day. Draper git can turn stones into loaves of bread. Why can't shining spawn of Imperial majesty turn stones into loaves of bread? If Draper git continues being a better mage than me, perhaps will have him stoned to death. 

February 13th, 440 

Git aced another test today. Told him he has until tomorrow to provide an excuse for his rebelliousness. Am rather anxious to see how he'll respond. 

February 14th, 440 

Well, that was unexpected. Draper boy used most effective convincing techniques. Perhaps will not behead him. hope he doesn't tell anyone. Would hate for it to become widely known, as would lose the fear of my future subjects, as well as most marital prospects and almost certainly the throne. 

Ah, well, off to shower. 

March 10th, 440 

Will not succumb to temptation to threaten Draper again. Even if he is my only chance of getting laid. Maybe… oh, hell, Fazia would make a fucking terrible Empress. Must endure celibacy for the sake of the Empire. 

March 30th, 440 

Damn that Draper and his sensitive, intellectual sex-appeal! Would have broken resolve, but held willpower by reminding self of Fazia's poncy soldier boyfriend. Must not sully Imperial bloodlines with the likes of him. 

April 12th, 440 

Draper flirted with me all class. Perhaps will start a war to get poncy soldier-boy killed and arrange baby sister a better match. 

June 3rd, 440 

Have found out that Fazia cheating on boyfriend with numerous brothers in arms. Not so brotherly now, are they, soldier-boy? V. mad. Does no one care about Imperial honor anymore? 

June 5th, 440 

V. bad day. Was told off by Daddy about Fazia indiscretion fiasco. Said one must never call an Imperial Princess a dirty whore, even if she did blow an entire army brigade in one night. 

Really must try that, sometime. 

June 6th, 440 

Poncy soldier boyfriend entirely oblivious to baby sister's rampant infidelity. Rather amusing, really. Perhaps will let him live, after all. Executions: 5, then had a quickie with Arram in the bathroom. Taught me a new trick. Taught me lots of magic, too. Am learning a lot from Arram. 

July 13th, 440 

Finally learned how to meditate. Must say, Arram's way lots more fun than uni way. Executions: 6. Go, me! 

August 24th, 440 

Slutty princess engaged to boyfriend. Wonder if will stop cheating on him. In other news, Daddy planning Imperial visit to army camp. Yes! 

September 10th, 440 

What this empire needs is more soldiers. 

December 11th, 440 

Executions: one. V. worried, as post-hanging sex with Arram was not up to par. Suspect he may be seeing someone else, perhaps trashy blonde from uni. I think his name is Reed. 

January 4th, 441 

Turns out Arram seeing entirely different trashy blonde. Caught them at it in an empty classroom. Am disconsolate. Will attempt to cheer self up with chocolate chip ice cream and execution. 

April 15th, 441 

Executions: 11. Still not satisfied. What does he see in her? 

June 21st, 441 

Imperial ho's wedding was today. Lucky for her, she barely showed. Wonder if he'll take me back if I execute trashy blonde. What does he see in her? 

September 2nd, 441 

Am observing trashy blonde. Perhaps I can learn something from her. or maybe just catch her in high treason. What does he see in her? 

October 30th, 441 

Daddy died. Am now Emperor. Coronation tomorrow. What does he see in her? 

January 16th, 442 

Coronation today. V. nervous -- Arram will be there. 

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Later that day… 

Heavy gold jewelry and makeup quite uncomfortable. On plus side, have finally found out what he sees in her. shall certainly adopt mini-skirt and eyeliner look, though fishnets and stiletto heels perhaps a bit much. 

February 14th, 442 

Arram hopped over last night. Love being Emperor. 

March 5th, 442 

Executions: 3. Arram suggested he bring trashy blonde along tonight. Glared at him, but do not think he understood. V. bad day. 

March 7th, 442 

Stupid Draper. Stupid Kingsford. Stupid heterosexuality. 

July 18th, 442 

That does it. Am declaring Draper Enemy of the Empire. What did I see in him? can certainly do better. Executions: 8. Go, me! 

February 14th, 443 

Draper sneaked out of country. Damn him! Was so looking forward to nice execution. 

April 1st, 443 

Have hired trashy blonde as Imperial hostess. Vengeance is mine. In fact, everything is mine. 

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Years later… 

May 26th, 447 

Old-squeeze-turned-fugitive surfaced in northern backwater kingdom. Changed his name to Numair Salmalin. Sounds really gay, if you ask me. 

June 1st, 447 

Traitor-ex apparently involved with local monarch. Clearly northern king reminds him of me, although can't see the resemblance myself. Royal savage could not possibly be as handsome, brilliant, charming, Gifted and well-dressed as myself. Executions: 1. V. disappointing. 

September 19th, 447 

Broke a fingernail. Must start war to console self. What about barbarian upstart's kingdom? Yeah, that'll do. 

October 31st, 447 

Ripped through layers of ancient and intricate spellwork unleashing untold horrors upon unsuspecting masses to satisfy personal vengeance. Got a new parakeet for aviary. Executed heir. Oppressed conquered nations. All in all, v. satisfying day. Mood: accomplished. Music: the screams of tortured dissidents. 

December 20th, 447 

Executions: 1. Immortal attacks: 3. Eye-makeup: perfect. Mood: cruel. 

February 14th, 448 

Bet Draper regrets affiliating with blue-eyed barbarian bastard now. Will be dead within the year, probably. Love Stormwings. Love Draper, too, although will never admit it. Did I say that out loud? 

August 8th, 448 

Draper still not dead. Seeking new heir. Perhaps Fazia has a son she can spare. 

October 13th, 448 

Immortal attacks: 0, but found new heir. Would not even consider virtually-illegitimate nephew of uncertain parentage, but have run out of young male relatives. Mood: resigned. Music: exotic birdsong. 

January 6th, 449 

Had a dream about Draper, last night. Perhaps not quite over him, yet. V. troubling. On plus side, eye-makeup exceptionally gorgeous. 

May 29th, 449 

Executions: 7. Eye-makeup: satisfactory. Draper still not dead. 

December 2nd, 449 

Heard rumor that Tortallan King is a babe. Feel the need to execute someone. Mood: violently jealous and possessive. Music: Imperial war-chant. 

September 1st, 450 

Attempt to overthrow barbarian hottie failed. Mood: sulky. Music: the swearing of Stormwing captives. 

October 1st, 450 

New heir's Gift v. unsatisfactory. Palace v. boring with no fellow mage around to entertain me. never thought would say this, but actually miss idiot Staghorn. At least has better talents than Imperial Prince's wimpy lettuce-growing magic. Executions: 6. Immortal attacks: 2. Mildly cheered up by wanton violence. 

November 22nd, 450 

Staghorn still not back. Draper still not dead. Hestill growing wussy vegetables. Mood: lonely. 

January 19th, 451 

Staghorn back. Makes better pie than mage. On minus side, heir growing alfalfa founi term-paper. Empire surely doomed. 

July 4th, 451 

Have agreed to initiate peace talks with Tortallan barbarians. Wonder if royal stud-muffin will hop down south for diplomatic visit. Could show him Imperial… troops. Immortal attacks: 19. Go, me! 

August 7th, 451 

Draper still not dead. Perhaps will clear him of treason charges to lure him here, then pin new charges on him and execute him. Yeah, that works. Mood: brilliant. More than usual, that is. 

August 20th, 451 

Transferred birds to fancy new aviary. Mood: industrious. Music: exotic birdsong (in fancy new aviary). 

September 8th, 451 

Executions: 4. Heir still wimpy leaf-grower. Bird not feeling well. V. worried. 

September 10th, 451 

Bird-taker-ofer says Tortallans have mage who can heal birdie-booboos. Said I could force Tortallans to give me mage for keeps. Actually, said if I ask nicely, Tortallans might lend her to me during peace conference. Screw him. am Emperor of Carthak. Can force anyone to give me anything I want. Is that a baby with some candy? 

October 2nd, 451 

Tortallan delegation arrives today! Hope Arram is there. Am too nervous to execute anyone. Eye-makeup: immaculate. 

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Later… 

Arram has aged. 

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Later still… 

New mage patched birds up. V. happy. Will definitely keep her. on minus side, mage appears fond of Arram. Hope she won't mind when I execute him. 

October 3rd, 451 

New mage has pretty blue baby dragon. Must remember to force Tortallans to let me keep dragon, too. Executions: 0. Must play nice for peace conference, dammit. 

October 5th, 451 

Arram and underage mage v. cozy. Frankly, am no sure who to be jealous of. V. confusing. 

October 6th, 451 

Lightning hit two favorite statues of me. Am heartbroken. Overheard someone say it's a sign that have lost favor with the gods. Nonsense! Am good-looking, brilliant, talented, well-dressed and have awesome Gift. What's not to like? 

October 9th, 451 

Met Arram in aviary today. Made certain allusions to his relationship with bird-healer. Arram got all snippy and slapped me. Mood: nostalgic. Music: last dying gasps of conjured mini-Arram. 

October 10th, 451 

Plan is flawless. Bird-mage: mine. Dragon: mine. Arram: in custody, awaiting execution. Tortallans: leaving tomorrow. Nothing can go wrong. 

October 13th, 451 

Arram not dead. Bird-mage razing Imperial Palace. Has set hyenas on my trail to hunt me down and kill me. V. inconsiderate of her, everyone knows I hate hyenas. 

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Later… 

Turned into Stormwing. Stupid Stormwings. 


End file.
